Mice, Marijuana, and Madness

Forwarded by
Jay R. Cavanaugh, PhD

May 1, 2003

posted at DrugWar.com
May 6, 2003

Exclusive to the Journal of Popular Science. Originally published in Murine Eugenics A Review of Work conducted by: Eva Peron Memorial Genome Project- Buenos Aires University of Advanced Biomedical Science

From Science Reporter
Robert F. Stone, PhD

From the House of Lords in England to the PETA chapters in the United States, a huge outcry has developed over the latest use of mice in medical experiments. It wasn't bad enough to give mice cancer, make them dance on hotplates, and wear obscure cosmetics. Now, scientists have gone far further by addicting mice to a variety of drugs, particularly marijuana (called cannabis in medical circles).

Apparently, it is not difficult to provide mice with marijuana and do research. All you need is a government willing to sponsor any marijuana research so long as it provides negative results, a government source of marijuana, and willing mice. The mice seem more than willing, even eager to join these experiments. In this sense the mice apparently mimic the predilections of American high school students. Considering the previous, one would expect to see mouse marijuana experiments right here in America (perhaps even Georgia). Yet it is south of the equator where the envelope is being pushed, specifically the nation of Argentina. One might suspect that Argentina would experiment directly on humans, at least leftist students or union leaders. However, even in Argentina experimentation on humans is discouraged although secret executions remain common practice. Obviously, small steps in consciousness are on the prowl in the Argentine.

This reporter journeyed to a small University outpost in Las Flores, Argentina some 200 km south of Buenos Aires to see marijuana experimentation first hand. Las Flores is aptly named as one can immediately see from the large blooming triffid like marijuana flowers filling a mountain valley shown below. This potent local variety once cultivated by the Mapuche native tribes is called "Green Tango" or "Tango de Verde".

Las Flores is also the home of the Eva Peron Memorial Eugenics Institute which specializes in murine (mice) experimentation. It is here that science witnessed the birth of the first mice bred for cannabis experimentation (Mota mice). Mota mice can either have normal cannabinoid receptors (Mota N), have cannabinoid receptors removed in knock out experiments (Mota Minus), or have enhanced receptors (Mota Mejor).

What this reporter found is difficult to describe so apologies are made in advance for shocking any reader sensibilities and caution is made to not allow small children to read further.

The first serious problems arose when lab workers were shocked to discover that the Mota Minus mice not only failed to thrive but were completely nude (photo below).

Researchers familiar with the 60's in America would have known that there is a direct relationship between the growing of hair and cannabis consumption. Who can forget those long haired weirdo Haight Asbury pot heads? Obviously, however, cannabis, natural or otherwise, is required not only for feeding but for having decent levels of body hair. This research finding was suppressed by the Institute at the urging of local DEA officials attached to the Argentine military despite protests from some researchers who think marijuana may cure baldness.

The situation becomes even worse when one takes a look at the Mota Mejor mouse. Researchers were startled to discover that these mice not only put on the pounds but had the capacity to smoke the Zig-Zag Man or the Kotton Mouth Kings right under the bong. It was their ravenous appetites and disheveled appearance that was most amazing (photo below). At least at first…….

It was only when a number of long haired shaggy Mota Mejor's escaped that the true horror of science gone wrong was identified. The first report to surface was an assault mounted by a squadron of mice on the Culinary Institute of Las Cuchinas. Several Mota's died following the assault from overdoses of pan dulce. The entire facility was looted and alien appearing engorged Mota's were seen vanishing into the hills carrying bags of Cheetos.

Worst of all are reports of a serial rat rapist operating in the slums of Buenos Aires. According to one senior research fellow (The Eichman Fellow at the Eva Peron facility), fat, pot addicted mice are prone to sexual violence, particularly against albino rats. Felonies against humans have not yet been reported but assaults have been rumored on a number of unsuspecting cats.

One last strange finding about the Mota Mejor is the fact that they glow under black lights. This too should have been anticipated (see photo below). It is not known if they favor lava lamps.

What possible benefit can come from such twisted research? Will we someday witness Mota mice dance the Green Tango on hotplates while coupling feverishly with cheese snacks? This writer joins the chorus of protest and hopes readers will write Argentinean authorities to stop such abuses.